I have found, reminiscing, there are three times when I just seem best able to write.
Homiletical Deadlines. They are a powerful urge to write, and get done by a certain point in time. But in doing so there is a rhythm one attains, as does a musician, and it can be maintained with dedication and effort. Each effort stands on it own, yet each is also a piece of a grander masterpiece that is, by its very nature, a perpetual testimony, and each effort inspires even more dedication and effort.
The Boink! Effect. This is when “me Irrish” inspiration hits, and will not let me go until I put the inspiration into words. There is also a great deal of dedication and effort required – most especially after one has written down the inspiration. Sometimes, it borders on genius, or comedy, or a mixture of both – it can stand alone, or sometimes can be incorporated into the homiletical task, albeit, like I said, only after close examination.
Bleah. Many writers, when sick, or feeling ill, will beg off the task. That can be done even with the Homiletical, but it requires a measured effort for a minimal period each day unless one is incapacitated – the deadline still looms. The Boink! is usually not working on days when one is ill – or maybe, it changes into the “Bleah.” I don’t know, because then, I don’t feel like investigating such things. But unlike most other writers, I always get an urge to write on my Bleah days. Fortunately, those days rarely happen. But like a moth to the light, I am always drawn to write when I feel sick.
Today opened as a potential Boink! day, and after that first cup of coffee and then the full gallop to the LiBoRo immediately thereafter, soured the mood pretty convincingly.
At some point in my 64 years, I have seen, and still do – clearly in my mind’s eye – a painting of a gargoyle-like figure on a stool hunched over a small desk, quill pen in hand, inkwell at the top right, and candle giving off a golden orb of light piercing the darkness. Tried finding something fitting that description online, but today? Bleah. Maybe later, if I feel better. But that gargoyle? That’s me. Isolated in the dark, with a bit of light, ink and quill and parchment, and leave me alone.
And one might deduce that said writings on days such as today, lean toward a bleak view of something, or things in general. Bleakness, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. Bleah.
There’s something that wants out, and it will have its way today. All at once? Probably not. Days like this are multi-stage . . . unlike Boink! days. When the brain feels the urge – I write, when not, I stop. This one seems like it may go on a good part of the day – something is nagging at me, and I don’t know what (besides my body’s rebellion today).
I know what’s bugging my body – there’s been something out there the past week. Several I know have caught whatever it is as well. One of those “there for one or two days, then gone.” But whatever else has got hold of me, I need to find out. May take time, writing pondering, more writing, more pondering. It may pass on its own, or turn into a special discovery. This one is a slow pony – just gotta ride it till its done. and with a gloomy sky outside and a chilled wind – I should go find my candles.
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I had a number of conversations this past week. Some were quite good; most were not, not merely because of the individuals, but because of the subject matters, and the things dark and foreboding said about them. Sinister is another word for it all. They run the gamut – from the rank, almost militant atheist, to the moralists with all the answers, and making this life even more negative with their pontifications. It is great frustration at those close, who are not doing as they ought, yet hold sway over me. That is especially frustrating!
And finally, it is a lack – a hunger for that which cannot be had. That may be the most frustrating of all!
It is that, most of all, that which should not be, and yet is put upon us!
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I am tired of the Pietists dominating comments at Lutheran sites, the not-so-subtle calvinism that has become the basis for the Liturgy, but also, the sermons of many who should know better, and the passive acceptance by the clear majority of members. Nothing is as it should be, it seems, and yet, I know by faith that it is all in hand. The Lord’s, of course, Who has been down this road many times with His people in history before, and yet sustains the faithful.
“Lord – I am having a day of Elijah’s discontent (I Kings 19:12ff), and I know how that, as well as our current state of flux, turns out. But Lord, it is frustrating all the same.”
“So yet again, for the umpteenth time in my life, I give it all to you and say ‘Broke. Fix it – please!’ First me and this funky mood/attitude of mine, and then, your Church. Especially now I need to be of right mind and spirit, asking as I am, to be back at the task actively. Have mercy upon me as a sinner, that I might share that mercy and be about righting the wrongs.”
Hey . . . in the end it’s all I can do.